silence
Lately I’ve been feeling that everything is happening the other way around, that anxiety arises from an external space that I can’t control and that takes on gigantic proportions inside me. That everything that happens in the world, with the people around me, directly influences what I think about myself, about the decisions that brought me to where I am and that make me question whether everything I’ve built makes sense. And so this has been the most challenging year of all since I can remember, not because I haven’t experienced difficulties and challenges before but because right now I feel like I’m fighting against my own mind, that this duality between thinking I’m in the right place and doing the wrong thing makes me anxious, sad, definitely with an impostor syndrome the size of the world and that this has also affected that safe space I thought I would never touch.
The tears are often just tears of uncertainty, of doubt as to why they want to scream and the tightness in the throat where it feels like there are a million things I want to say and can’t, even though I don’t know what they’re about and the thoughts are as random as possible, between “everything’s fine, I’m calm today” and “I don’t want this, it doesn’t make sense, I should dedicate myself to something else”. And it is here, in this uncertainty of a professional and personal life that have such a fine line between them that the ability to reinvent, to reorder and to want a place of silence where I can simply let everything flow, all thoughts talk and reach a conclusion without imposing time, space or limits, that I decided to disconnect and for the first time take a step back and observe, respect and embrace each of the doubts that arise from day to day.
Do I have any conclusions? No! I don’t think they’ll ever come, but I’m sure I’m learning to respect myself and learning even more about this place of stillness where I can be non-judgmental and where I’m learning to live from the inside out.
Throughout this year, I’ve received many messages sharing about uncertainties, feelings of sadness, frustration and anxiety, many of them with a message of thanks for the lightness with which I share things and this also makes me question what image I’m passing on, who I am to others and who I am to myself. And in this space of silence I have learned that yes, I am light and that I feel good when there is a simple, fresh energy around me. Because in truth, inside me that’s how I feel life happens, even in the midst of chaos and uncertainty, I know there’s something here that makes me feel a certain lightness and the certainty that this is how I want to share my life.
I’ve worked with marketing people who defend the idea that I should only share my uncertainties and moments of darkness when they are a thing of the past, because vulnerability is not something that sells. And I can’t agree with that! Moments of vulnerability are part of everyday life for all of us and it’s the way each of us deals with it that makes us unique and creates connections, true friendships, lifelong loves and the truth is that yes, in the darkest moments I prefer to stay out of the social media spotlight, not because I don’t want to share but because I’m not strong enough to deal with posts, stories or algorithms. And because there are people who find the strength to move forward in sharing, in the midst of the crowd, I am reserved, I need silence, to lick my wounds alone and wait for them to heal completely in order to understand what has happened.
Having the unconditional support of someone who loves and supports me is inexplicably lovely. Being able to say that I need time, silence and to create my own routine in order to find my focus again and instantly hear a go makes me feel that the life I’ve created outside and my safe place isn’t just mine, that this lightness and simplicity isn’t created alone and that love really does matter, complicity and that the backstage of the life we share is much more important than the idea we put across.
I packed my suitcase and came to create my own retreat, by the sea and by chance or not, in stormy weeks, completely out of my comfort zone. I let my thoughts and doubts cry over and over again, I wrote, I dedicated myself to a new project, I idealized others and I felt like staying in silence for days on end. I talked to myself, I let the various versions of me argue and I embraced each of them, and I confess that I hope I said goodbye to some of them. I know that not everyone has the same opportunity and that they can’t just go and find their place the way I did, but I also know that each of us has a place, that each of us has the ability to find that place. I came without the certainty that I would be able to do it, but with the conviction that I would give myself the opportunity to understand whether the life that exists outside of me connects with the life that exists inside me, because only in this way is it possible to live from the inside out. Only when we find an environment that we don’t need to change, an environment where we can complement each other and feel that it makes sense to belong, can we truly have this unquestionable connection and simply be. Understand whether it makes sense to move and look for that place in another space. Understand if the life inside you is in conflict with you or with others. Understand if you can hear yourself. Understand that you are a unique being and that no one will ever fully understand you, but that there is someone who will accept you and give you the hand and space to find the place where you want to let your inner self flourish and take root.
Change is hard, making decisions is horrible when you can have the power to influence someone’s life, but remember that it’s about you that you’re writing, that in the end you’re the only person who’s going to read the whole book and it has to make sense to you. Whatever the situation, the moment, the doubt, the feeling, find that distance from the space around you to be, to be and create something uniquely yours.
